Foggy Today

I've had depression for my entire adult life. It comes and goes, at times so severe I cannot function but mostly it sits in the background, a near-constant dull ache. I have numerous mechanisms for coping that have been developed from years of counseling and normally they work so well I don't end up in the depths anymore. I don't know whether my weight is a result of my depression, a cause or totally unrelated. But I do know that my depression has an impact on my weight loss. On the other hand, weight loss (more specifically the increased healthiness of my diet and increased exercise) has an excellent impact on my depression as it is less likely to rear its ugly head if I am feeling well and healthy.

 

I'm feeling a bit down today so I just thought I'd put some words here about it. Since moving from Townsville to Brisbane everything seems to be so hard - even little things are just the biggest dramas in the world to sort out. I feel like banging my head against the wall. My lovely friend reminded me today that there have been many awesome things happen in Brisbane as well, but at the moment I feel bogged down in the difficult and painful. I kind of want to just give up and curl in a ball and hide. I'm being melodramatic, everything that is important in my life is wonderful - I have a roof over my head, I have a good job, I have an awesome partner and my family and friends are all well and healthy. Focus on the positives. I might go spend some positive time with positive people tonight I think.

Wohoo!

My first week and I lost 2.4kg! Go me! Should go back to realistic losses from this week though, but what an awesome start. I was quite chuffed - despite being in pain from the puncture marks on my hand where my cat bit me (he went a bit feral for half an hour - result: he doesn't get to go outside anymore and I had to have a tetanus shot!).

More on how it feels to be 118kg

I realised that what I wrote yesterday is just a smattering of the impacts my weight has on my life. More than anything else, the mental impact of being overweight has clouded my life. I had a psychologist tell me once that he thought I was using my weight as a shield to protect myself from the world, but how can something that causes you so much suffering protect you? It has impacted on my friendships, on my relationships, on my work and on my mental health.

 

As a teenager you get treated pretty badly if you're overweight (I've been overweight since I was about 10 years old), and so I developed massive trust issues that are still plaguing me and I'm 27! I do believe that my weight has played a significant role in my inability to trust others (especially men), and also in my depression which I have suffered from since I was a teenager - although it reached a peak in my early twenties.

 

For the first time in my life right now I trust my partner totally and completely and it is wonderful. He loves me the way I am, but is totally supportive of me losing weight because he knows it is what I want, and that I won't ever be completely happy with my body the way it is. I am ridiculously lucky to have him in my life and I am astonished nearly every day that we found each other - I always thought I'd be that crazy friend with all the cats who shows up to events alone and has a freezer full of dead toads. Or something like that. Luckily, cat lady is fading into the background hopefully never to be revived!

Anyway, I just wanted to try to explain that the mental impact of my weight has had so much more of an influence on my life and I just don't want that anymore!

How it feels to be 118kg

Jody has an excellent post talking about how it feels to be her current weight and I was inspired so am totally copying her idea and am now going to write about how it feels to be 118kg.

 

Clothes shopping is a nightmare - clothes in my size (which I am not even sure of) are either giant sacks of ugly or hideously expensive. Shopping in normal clothing stores simply isn't an option. My friends occasionally have clothes swaps, I cannot attend because I'm the only one who is my size.

 

On the aeroplane you sort of seep into your neighbour's seat, and it is incredibly uncomfortable. You see the look of horror in your neighbour's eyes when they realise they are sitting next to the fat person, because it means that their flying experience is going to be difficult as well. I generally stand on the train because when I get on the only seats left are next to people, and I don't really fit very well into one seat.

 

At the supermarket, every item that goes in your trolley is scrutinized by others - healthy or unhealthy. If people know you're trying to lose weight then they question everything you put in your mouth, "are you allowed to have that?" or "I thought you were on a diet?". It is humiliating.

 

I have reflux, mainly due to my weight, I don't sleep well - I have sleep apneoa and that means I don't end up having deep sleep since I wake up every few minutes (sort of) in order to start breathing again. Lack of decent sleep tends to make me feel lathargic and generally crap. Every health problem I have the doctor blames on my weight - and until I lose it they simply won't believe that it has any other cause. Well, it feels that way.

 

When it comes to weekend events, my friends like to play sport but I can only play for a short while before having to sit on the sideline. It is hard to squeeze three people on a back seat if I am one of them. I try to hide from group photos because I am always twice the size of the others.

 

I can't think of anything else at the moment, but here are some things about being 118kg that I really don't like.

The Last Word (hopefully) on the Gym Drama

So... I read all about other peoples experiences with this common gym franchise today and it seems that numerous people have had the same problem as me with them refusing to cancel and being generally unhelpful. The useful piece of advice I got today was to keep hold of my cancellation paperwork as they frequently keep charging you after your cancellation date and you'll need evidence of cancellation to get the charges reversed by your bank. Sigh.

 

I've been having a laugh at myself today (and a bit yesterday) thinking about how I picture anger. When I feel angry I literally picture boiling blood (as in the saying "makes my blood boil"), and I sometimes also picture it as bubbling in my veins. I often picture feelings, sorry if I'm weirding anyone out. Anyway, yesterday, I decided that the best way to calm me down was to take the pot off the boil - so I pictured taking my pot of boiling blood off the heat, and watching as the bubbles decreased until there were none and all I could see was steam, and immediately I felt better. It was like choosing to cool down as opposed to waiting to cool down. Made me laugh.

Awesome

Last night I had friends over for dinner (rice paper rolls) and there
were lots of left over chopped up vegies which meant no chopping
tonight and dinner was so fast! For someone who finds cooking a chore
this was excellent.

Grrr...

I know I'm being melodramatic, but I am cranky so I want to vent and I have decided that my blog is the best place to do that!

 

A few weeks ago (actually, in August), I (stupidly) joined a gym near my work. It is a large chain gym. I thought I could go before work and it would be good. Unfortunately I didn't, and I don't want to be going to a gym at the moment, I want to focus on my C25K running and getting started with WW - I may join a gym again down the track but definitely not this one.

 

I went in last week to cancel - I need to give them 4 weeks notice you see. I couldn't because the "Customer Service Officer" wasn't there, and wouldn't be until next week. So, I went in today to cancel. Oh no, the "Customer Service Officer" still wasn't there but I could make an appointment. At this point I got a bit frustrated and asked why she couldn't do it. Anyone who knows me will know that I don't raise my voice, I don't shout, I don't get angry - to the point where I don't actually know how to behave in an argument! This lady then started ranting at me, telling me to not get angry, that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't like my tone. I rolled my eyes - for crying out loud she was acting as if I was shouting and screaming (which I most certainly wasn't). Then she ranted about me rolling my eyes. Next thing you know she pulls out the paperwork and right there in front of me cancels my membership. I have the signed form to prove it.

 

So, in order to cancel my membership I had to be a pain. They wanted me to see the "Customer Service Officer" whose role was probably to convince me that I didn't need to quit, what I needed to do was give them more money and sign up for a year long contract. Apparently there are facebook groups dedicated to how much they hate this gym and horror stories about getting out of memberships.

 

I'm really angry about this - but more so I am angry that this woman got so upset as if I were the most awful customer on the planet and how could I possibly be so rude! I worked at restaurants that catered to the multitude when I was at uni - I copped a great deal more than a frustrated question and a roll of the eyes. The reason I'm upset is because I feel guilty for being that customer, because I feel for the poor students who have to put up with that behaviour, and I shouldn't feel guilty because she was extremely unhelpful and I wasn't angry or rude.

 

I probably could have handled the whole situation a lot better I know, but it is done, I'm out of that useless drain on my finances and I can focus solely and completely on getting healthy and not feeling guilty for wasting money for a bad service I didn't use.