I realised that what I wrote yesterday is just a smattering of the impacts my weight has on my life. More than anything else, the mental impact of being overweight has clouded my life. I had a psychologist tell me once that he thought I was using my weight as a shield to protect myself from the world, but how can something that causes you so much suffering protect you? It has impacted on my friendships, on my relationships, on my work and on my mental health.
As a teenager you get treated pretty badly if you're overweight (I've been overweight since I was about 10 years old), and so I developed massive trust issues that are still plaguing me and I'm 27! I do believe that my weight has played a significant role in my inability to trust others (especially men), and also in my depression which I have suffered from since I was a teenager - although it reached a peak in my early twenties.
For the first time in my life right now I trust my partner totally and completely and it is wonderful. He loves me the way I am, but is totally supportive of me losing weight because he knows it is what I want, and that I won't ever be completely happy with my body the way it is. I am ridiculously lucky to have him in my life and I am astonished nearly every day that we found each other - I always thought I'd be that crazy friend with all the cats who shows up to events alone and has a freezer full of dead toads. Or something like that. Luckily, cat lady is fading into the background hopefully never to be revived!
Anyway, I just wanted to try to explain that the mental impact of my weight has had so much more of an influence on my life and I just don't want that anymore!
Ah that sounds so much like me. I was actually even told in high school by FRIENDS that i would be the crazy cat lady. Have been over weight since childhood, battled with depression for years, and by some miracle found my perfect man.
ReplyDeleteAs for the shield thing... well, it mightn't be for everyone, but it does in a sick way 'protect' people from experiencing unpleasant things, by stopping them from experiencing all kinds of normal social things. As a teenager, because i was obese i shut myseld out, i've never had to experience the awkwardness of dating, worrying about sex or protection, pregnancy scares, and a million other things because i never had a social life. It effectively shuts you out from the world, which in a way can protect you. Which is not a good thing! Well that's my very clumsy understanding of it any way!
I hope we can both reclaim our lives now :)
Haha I have this joke with a friend of mine that I will be the crazy millipede lady (I had a problem with millipedes a while back!).
ReplyDeleteAt my heaviest I was 124kg, and sometimes I still feel, or more to the point I guess, think like I still am...
I totally get what you are saying about the walls and barriers; it's ironic that I always craved people to like me, but I let myself be fat to keep them away...
Anyway, it is onwards and upwards for all of us now :o)
Good luck xoxo