"One of the sanest, surest and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others" -A Rutledge

I sometimes have trouble following this recommendation. Instead of praising the good fortune of others I think "why them and not me?". This tends to be mainly related to weight. Why did they end up skinny and beautiful and I am fat? Why? Why do they get to be happy and I get depression? Why? Why? Why?

 

Today I am going to focus on being happy for the good fortune of others, and not focussing on why I don't have what they have.

How's It Going? Wednesday...

I'm doing pretty well this week. I have decided to just take it one day at a time, and so far so good. I need to do some more planning and preparing for the days ahead (start by getting low point snacks into my drawer at work), but at present I am quite enjoying planning my dinner at lunch time, getting the food on the way home and then cooking enough to take leftovers in for lunch the next day. Darling BF doesn't know it yet but I'm thinking we need to implement a day about meal plan and preparation schedule - because I don't like being solely responsible for making choices and cooking, and I now have lots of cook books with yummy healthy recipes just ripe for the making.

 

We discovered that my scales are a bit whacked, and will give you a different weight every time you step on them, but they only vary by a maximum of 400g so I'm not going to stress too much, and just take the first weight they pop out on a Monday morning. So long as the trend is downwards I am not too worried!

 

Darling BF and I have also decided we will get married in August 2011 (don't go thinking we're engaged, I don't want to be engaged for 2 years before I get married, I just wanted to know what to aim for! We'll get engaged a few months prior, I've told him I expect him down on one knee and everything). So, there are 90 weeks until 'that day' and I still have 46.5kg to lose (which averages out at 516g per week). It is achievable but will be challenging. To get myself in the swing of things I've set myself a very challenging stretch target of being under 100kg before darling BF's sister's wedding at Easter next year. That will require a loss of just over 1kg per week til then. I'm going to take the advice of Les Brown: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

C25K Week 3 Workout 1

A few weeks ago my friend Lauren asked if I would like to go running with her in the mornings. So, we decided to start C25K from the beginning. A few sleep-ins and occasionally attending partners have occured but this morning we started week 3 and at the end of the workout we were pumped to keep running so we ran around the park one more time just for good measure.

 

Feeling good.

 

I haven't been watching my food but all this running and walking is still making a difference. I stepped on the scales and have lost 1kg this week. So, I am going to eat well this week, because I feel better when I eat well. I won't allow myself to get hungry so I may go over points sometimes but for the most part I intend to eat well and properly.

 

That's all I have to say right now...

I will be back eventually

So I've not been well lately, in the brain that is. I have decided I need to get some help and once I'm back on the path to healthy I will get back on the weight loss wagon, back on the new life wagon and start living my life as awesomely as I deserve.

 

I would like to join in on Linda's 100 day challenge but I will be late as I can't start when I'm not well. Hopefully I will start before 2010!

 

Also, thankyou Cassie, you rock!

Not in Control

I'm going forwards and backwards at the moment, with weight loss and with life. I don't feel right, like everything is spiralling out of control, very slowly. I see myself as the guy from Austin Powers who gets crushed by the steam roller despite having a very long time to get out of the way. There's a breakdown on the horizon, I can see it, and if I don't start to do something soon to prevent it, it will happen. Will I really stand by and not move to protect myself when I can see the danger coming from far away?

 

Sorry, feeling quite introspective. Just Monday I was advising a friend to call me if she needs to talk to someone, to not let it build up until she can't let it out. I'm not taking my own advice. I feel like bottling it up, keeping it safe and all my own.

 

 

Not the most spectacular return

Last week, well, the week before last I guess, I fell off the wagon in a most lazy fashion - gaining 200g at weigh in thanks to several meals out and a lack of point tracking. Then I let myself go for another week of not tracking and generally not paying attention.

 

Anyway, the powers that be managed to get back at me and I got sick on Saturday just gone, and spent four days not wanting to eat very much at all because I couldn't keep it down. When I finally started feeling better yesterday morning I hopped on the scales and realised that I have been given a golden opportunity to put the bad week and a half behind me as the illness has put me back where I was before I went off track - not a very good method of weight loss, but eh.

 

So, yesterday and today I have been awesome! And I'm going to keep on keeping on. Weigh in on Saturday.

 

I am going to lose my first 5% before Christmas. That's 5.9kg. I can totally do that! Wohoo!

--
A goal without a plan is just a wish

Foggy Today

I've had depression for my entire adult life. It comes and goes, at times so severe I cannot function but mostly it sits in the background, a near-constant dull ache. I have numerous mechanisms for coping that have been developed from years of counseling and normally they work so well I don't end up in the depths anymore. I don't know whether my weight is a result of my depression, a cause or totally unrelated. But I do know that my depression has an impact on my weight loss. On the other hand, weight loss (more specifically the increased healthiness of my diet and increased exercise) has an excellent impact on my depression as it is less likely to rear its ugly head if I am feeling well and healthy.

 

I'm feeling a bit down today so I just thought I'd put some words here about it. Since moving from Townsville to Brisbane everything seems to be so hard - even little things are just the biggest dramas in the world to sort out. I feel like banging my head against the wall. My lovely friend reminded me today that there have been many awesome things happen in Brisbane as well, but at the moment I feel bogged down in the difficult and painful. I kind of want to just give up and curl in a ball and hide. I'm being melodramatic, everything that is important in my life is wonderful - I have a roof over my head, I have a good job, I have an awesome partner and my family and friends are all well and healthy. Focus on the positives. I might go spend some positive time with positive people tonight I think.

Wohoo!

My first week and I lost 2.4kg! Go me! Should go back to realistic losses from this week though, but what an awesome start. I was quite chuffed - despite being in pain from the puncture marks on my hand where my cat bit me (he went a bit feral for half an hour - result: he doesn't get to go outside anymore and I had to have a tetanus shot!).

More on how it feels to be 118kg

I realised that what I wrote yesterday is just a smattering of the impacts my weight has on my life. More than anything else, the mental impact of being overweight has clouded my life. I had a psychologist tell me once that he thought I was using my weight as a shield to protect myself from the world, but how can something that causes you so much suffering protect you? It has impacted on my friendships, on my relationships, on my work and on my mental health.

 

As a teenager you get treated pretty badly if you're overweight (I've been overweight since I was about 10 years old), and so I developed massive trust issues that are still plaguing me and I'm 27! I do believe that my weight has played a significant role in my inability to trust others (especially men), and also in my depression which I have suffered from since I was a teenager - although it reached a peak in my early twenties.

 

For the first time in my life right now I trust my partner totally and completely and it is wonderful. He loves me the way I am, but is totally supportive of me losing weight because he knows it is what I want, and that I won't ever be completely happy with my body the way it is. I am ridiculously lucky to have him in my life and I am astonished nearly every day that we found each other - I always thought I'd be that crazy friend with all the cats who shows up to events alone and has a freezer full of dead toads. Or something like that. Luckily, cat lady is fading into the background hopefully never to be revived!

Anyway, I just wanted to try to explain that the mental impact of my weight has had so much more of an influence on my life and I just don't want that anymore!

How it feels to be 118kg

Jody has an excellent post talking about how it feels to be her current weight and I was inspired so am totally copying her idea and am now going to write about how it feels to be 118kg.

 

Clothes shopping is a nightmare - clothes in my size (which I am not even sure of) are either giant sacks of ugly or hideously expensive. Shopping in normal clothing stores simply isn't an option. My friends occasionally have clothes swaps, I cannot attend because I'm the only one who is my size.

 

On the aeroplane you sort of seep into your neighbour's seat, and it is incredibly uncomfortable. You see the look of horror in your neighbour's eyes when they realise they are sitting next to the fat person, because it means that their flying experience is going to be difficult as well. I generally stand on the train because when I get on the only seats left are next to people, and I don't really fit very well into one seat.

 

At the supermarket, every item that goes in your trolley is scrutinized by others - healthy or unhealthy. If people know you're trying to lose weight then they question everything you put in your mouth, "are you allowed to have that?" or "I thought you were on a diet?". It is humiliating.

 

I have reflux, mainly due to my weight, I don't sleep well - I have sleep apneoa and that means I don't end up having deep sleep since I wake up every few minutes (sort of) in order to start breathing again. Lack of decent sleep tends to make me feel lathargic and generally crap. Every health problem I have the doctor blames on my weight - and until I lose it they simply won't believe that it has any other cause. Well, it feels that way.

 

When it comes to weekend events, my friends like to play sport but I can only play for a short while before having to sit on the sideline. It is hard to squeeze three people on a back seat if I am one of them. I try to hide from group photos because I am always twice the size of the others.

 

I can't think of anything else at the moment, but here are some things about being 118kg that I really don't like.

The Last Word (hopefully) on the Gym Drama

So... I read all about other peoples experiences with this common gym franchise today and it seems that numerous people have had the same problem as me with them refusing to cancel and being generally unhelpful. The useful piece of advice I got today was to keep hold of my cancellation paperwork as they frequently keep charging you after your cancellation date and you'll need evidence of cancellation to get the charges reversed by your bank. Sigh.

 

I've been having a laugh at myself today (and a bit yesterday) thinking about how I picture anger. When I feel angry I literally picture boiling blood (as in the saying "makes my blood boil"), and I sometimes also picture it as bubbling in my veins. I often picture feelings, sorry if I'm weirding anyone out. Anyway, yesterday, I decided that the best way to calm me down was to take the pot off the boil - so I pictured taking my pot of boiling blood off the heat, and watching as the bubbles decreased until there were none and all I could see was steam, and immediately I felt better. It was like choosing to cool down as opposed to waiting to cool down. Made me laugh.

Awesome

Last night I had friends over for dinner (rice paper rolls) and there
were lots of left over chopped up vegies which meant no chopping
tonight and dinner was so fast! For someone who finds cooking a chore
this was excellent.

Grrr...

I know I'm being melodramatic, but I am cranky so I want to vent and I have decided that my blog is the best place to do that!

 

A few weeks ago (actually, in August), I (stupidly) joined a gym near my work. It is a large chain gym. I thought I could go before work and it would be good. Unfortunately I didn't, and I don't want to be going to a gym at the moment, I want to focus on my C25K running and getting started with WW - I may join a gym again down the track but definitely not this one.

 

I went in last week to cancel - I need to give them 4 weeks notice you see. I couldn't because the "Customer Service Officer" wasn't there, and wouldn't be until next week. So, I went in today to cancel. Oh no, the "Customer Service Officer" still wasn't there but I could make an appointment. At this point I got a bit frustrated and asked why she couldn't do it. Anyone who knows me will know that I don't raise my voice, I don't shout, I don't get angry - to the point where I don't actually know how to behave in an argument! This lady then started ranting at me, telling me to not get angry, that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't like my tone. I rolled my eyes - for crying out loud she was acting as if I was shouting and screaming (which I most certainly wasn't). Then she ranted about me rolling my eyes. Next thing you know she pulls out the paperwork and right there in front of me cancels my membership. I have the signed form to prove it.

 

So, in order to cancel my membership I had to be a pain. They wanted me to see the "Customer Service Officer" whose role was probably to convince me that I didn't need to quit, what I needed to do was give them more money and sign up for a year long contract. Apparently there are facebook groups dedicated to how much they hate this gym and horror stories about getting out of memberships.

 

I'm really angry about this - but more so I am angry that this woman got so upset as if I were the most awful customer on the planet and how could I possibly be so rude! I worked at restaurants that catered to the multitude when I was at uni - I copped a great deal more than a frustrated question and a roll of the eyes. The reason I'm upset is because I feel guilty for being that customer, because I feel for the poor students who have to put up with that behaviour, and I shouldn't feel guilty because she was extremely unhelpful and I wasn't angry or rude.

 

I probably could have handled the whole situation a lot better I know, but it is done, I'm out of that useless drain on my finances and I can focus solely and completely on getting healthy and not feeling guilty for wasting money for a bad service I didn't use.

C25K Week 1

I got out of bed early this morning (first time in a while, I'm loving not starting work til 8am!) and put on clothes I haven't worn in a while. I opened up the new C25K ap on my iphone and added some music to play in the background. Then I went for my first workout! I feel good, on track and very, very positive!

 

As I learned a year ago, the greatest motivator is actually doing exercise!!

 

I loved the quote from the meeting this week "A goal without a plan is just a wish". Excellent motto.

And I'm Back

So, weigh in today. I've regained all bar 0.4kg that I lost. Timely reminder I suppose.

Today has been challenging because I need to keep reminding myself that I have to stick to points, that I cannot deviate from the plan, not until I am back into the swing of things. This week at least, I am going to have the same breakfast and lunch and only vary with dinner - I like structure, it makes my life easier! And water, lots of water.

Sorry, this post is a bit rambling, I'm amazingly sleepy! I am using the free wifi at maccas and resisting the deep fried scents is a bit challenging. I am going to go home and have some more water!

First week, here I come!

A Last Hurrah? Seriously, was that necessary?

Last night I chose to follow my traditional path of self-sabotage. I justified it by saying "it's a last hurrah! One last enjoyment before going healthy!". Not cool, not cool. I ate a whole litre of ice cream! Ugh! Corn chips, brie & ice cream. Sigh. And then I sat up until nearly 1am again so didn't get up and go for a walk or a jog this morning.

 

I'm not giving up, just being honest here if nowhere else. I have rocket, haloumi, mushrooms and avocado for dinner which I am looking forward to. That and an early night, I am so insanely tired! (No pity required, own fault).

 

I didn't have a great breakfast but I had an awesome lunch so will be doing fine for my first weigh-in back on Saturday. So. Excited!

How did I manage to leave this so long?

I lost the plot back in January really. Then I had no motivation. Then work got very stressful. Then I had to prepare to move cities. Then I needed to feel settled before I could do anything.

 

Well. I'm here, I'm settled, I'm (mostly) unpacked and moved in, and I'm all out of excuses. I want to be healthy. I want to be fit. I want to be awake all day! I want to not puff walking up my not very steep street. I want to fit into aeroplane seats, be able to wear the women's style work clothing (currently the work shirts don't come in my size), not get raised eyebrows if I have something sweet, be able to play sport, and in the next couple of years I will probably get married and I don't want to walk down the aisle as a size 24.

 

I remember how awesome I felt when I was losing weight. I looked better, slept better, was in a better mood! Why on earth would I not want that again? What would possess me to go back to being tired, lacklustre, unexcited and grumpy?

 

I go back to weigh in on Saturday. I'm not nervous, I'm excited! I get to start being healthy again!!! Fresh city, fresh house, fresh start.

Not a loss but I am not deterred

I weighed in 100g heavier than last time I went to weight watchers. This is okay. It is a mild hurdle on the path back to weight loss glory!
The comiseration KFC on the way home however was not a good idea. I even felt sick after I ate it. I really need to learn how to deal with disappointment without turning to greasy, fatty food.

Back on the wagon this morning, putting last night behind me.

The Danger Zone

I allowed myself to enter the danger zone last night. I was so incredibly hungry that the moment there was food in front of me I ate and ate. Alas the food in front of me was hot chips and chicken wings. Hmm.. Not a disaster of unbelievable proportions but a timely reminder that I have to listen to my body a bit more closely and not put off dinner until I cannot control myself.

Feeling the energy, feeling the motivation!

I wrote a plan on Monday night. I ate a good breakfast Tuesday morning (lucky me had an RDO the day after Easter Monday), then went grocery shopping for the week. Now it is Friday and I have been on track, healthy and good for three whole days. I feel great! I am proud of myself. It has been three months since I was properly following weight watchers but now I am planning and I am tracking and as I said, I am very proud of myself.

Internet, I just wanted to let you know that I feel great!

Tagged

I was tagged by Lisa (a while ago - I'm slack!), so here goes:

1. List these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog.
3. Tell 7 unspectacular quirks about you.
4. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
5.Link the person who tagged you.
6.Leave a comment for each blogger.

It could be nice if you post a personal photo with this post.


7 Facts About ME:
1. I have three brothers and one niece
2. I have a cat called Oscar who I am currently trying to train not to bite
3. I have two degrees (one in civil engineering and one in Arts (Ancient History))
4. I have been around the world twice but still have a ridiculous amount of things to see
5. I collect tea pots
6. I went to 7 different primary schools, 1 high school and two universities
7. I now work for the same company that brought my father to Australia from NZ when I was just born

7 Unspectacular Quirks about ME:
1. I tend to straighten things - I'm not particularly tidy but things need to be ordered
2. I drink my coffee white with two sugars and my tea black with none.
3. I get posessive of my stationery at work and tend to name it all
4. I hate doing the dishes
5. I don't own a television and haven't done for 4 years
6. I am easily distracted when there is a television in the room (since its a novelty to me)
7. I like to write letters - proper letters, on paper.

I don't know too many people in the blogosphere of weight loss just yet so I'll refrain from tagging anyone for now!

A Loss!

After a week back on track I feel brilliant! I've lost 1.3kg (that's the 800g I gained and another 500g lost! wohoo!), I am running and I'm feeling good. I tracked everything and although I still need a lot of work on the eating filling foods side I am really proud of myself.

I went for my first bike ride in about a decade this week. The darling BF bought me a second hand bike so that I could ride beside him while he runs (he's not been getting much of a workout running with me, more like a stroll in the park for him). Biking is sneaky exercise... you think you're not putting much effort in and then you hop off and your thighs hurt and your butt hurts! I liked it. Some friends of mine have just gotten roller skates so I am going to ride with them along the strand (beautiful spot up here in Townsville).

Off to Brisbane for 5 days tonight so will have to be extra focussed as I am only 300g off my 10% mark! Ahhh!

And I'm back...

So, it's taken a bit longer than planned, but I am back. I went back to my meeting last night and I'm eating my points again as of yesterday. I had gained 800g through my insane couple of months of this year but that is okay as I am going to lose it again and more!

My first goal is to stick to it this week. I don't have to lose all that 800g in one week, I just need to stick to the plan. I've been keeping up my C25K somewhat as well - I'm on week 4 now, 3rd workout this morning but I'm not quite ready for week 5 just yet so I'll keep with week 4 a little longer.

I'm back and my motivation is seeping back through me - it is an amazing feeling! It's funny but the last straw was Sunday just gone - I had a very bad food day (despite having gotten up and gone running that morning). I ate so much crap that day - my major downfall being those yum cha kits from the frozen section at the supermarket. I woke up Monday with what I can only describe as a food hangover and decided that enough was enough.

I have a goal and I'm going to make it there!

Off the Wagon & Flailing on the ground

After the utter joy and excitement of reaching my 10kg goal, I have fallen apart at the seams. I had a bad couple of weeks personally (I lost my Grandmother who had been ill for a long time, and then became extremely stressed at work) and this has translated into my life as a loss of interest in looking after my health, eating properly or really caring about anything. I have not gone to weigh in since the 19th January because I was too scared to go back and have a gain.

The flooding in Townsville hasn't helped much either. It is hard to feel inspired to get out of bed and go running when the rain is thundering down and the ground is not so much hard as slushy.

This needs to stop. I have started looking in the mirror and thinking how ugly and fat I am. I am feeling bad about myself and my life and I don't like it! When I was losing weight I felt marvellous and even though I am still fat I didn't look at myself and feel nothing but disgust!

I have started tracking again this morning. I am not going to allow these last few weeks to cause me to stop trying. I expect my next weigh in to be unpleasant but I will still be going. Wish me luck!

Not the best week on record...

I didn't have my greatest week. I am somewhat nervous about my weigh-in this evening. I gave in to every urge and craving instantaneously. I was then getting upset at myself and the whole cycle kicked in. It was terrible!

After much self-evaluation I decided that the reason I was not in control of my brain so much was because other areas of my life were out of control. I have always worn my weight as a protective barrier, so as soon as things seem to be getting stressful or out of control I snap back into old protective habits. Work has been very stressful since coming back after the holidays - mainly because I didn't feel in control of the situations and was just being buffeted from drama to drama. So, before the end of the week I sorted out my desk, wrote my to-do list and went and badgered everyone into telling me what needed doing next week. So, I feel better about work. Then this weekend I did a massive house clean-up. I went through my wardrobe and threw out half the clothes (I still had stuff from the early 90's in there...) and cleaned up all the mess my kitten has made this week that I was too lazy to get to (he found a roll of paper towel. It was everywhere).

A clean house and an organised work front and I feel in control again. Seems silly that such a small thing can have a huge impact on my weight loss.

Anyway, went for workout 1 of week 3 C25K this morning and it was great! I ran for three minutes straight, not once but twice! Wohoo! It's funny to think that a mere few weeks ago I felt like keeling over the first time I ran and already I'm doing so much better. I am loving C25K.

Fingers crossed for my weigh in tonight!

C25K - Week 2, Workout 1

I had a disgraceful Christmas. I didn't count points, I ate all sorts of "do not eat" foods and I was generally lazy. One thing that did keep me working hard though was I still went running! I repeated week 1 of C25K so that my mother could join me, then, all set to start week 2 and I got shingles.

Shingles sucks. It is painful and sore constantly, you can't exercise and sleeping is all you want to do but is difficult because of the pain. Stupid shingles. So, I spent from Boxing Day til the 2nd January feeling sorry for myself. I did a week 1 workout on Saturday, decided I hadn't lost too much running prowess so did week 2 this morning. It was challenging but I got there.

I have my first weigh in since the 15th December this evening. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that I have just not gained! Fingers crossed.

Happy 2009, this is the year to be in!